Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You made out with two different species that night
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
