At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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