why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
