he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
BRING THE BAGELS
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
