Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
