I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Randomize
