The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize