I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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