if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
