does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
