My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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