but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think your dad took our porno
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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