I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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