sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
