Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
