he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
