Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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