Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
