What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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