my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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