Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
