I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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