the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize