Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
