please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
