dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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