She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
