The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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