i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
