im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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