Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
