Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
