Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
