my phone needs a breathalizer
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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