my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize