I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
