I'd wear matching sweaters with you
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think i got beer on your cat.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
