I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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