Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
