I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
