Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
