you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
