I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize