Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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