my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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