And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
