Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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