Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
