The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
