YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
