Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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