I think I died a long time ago.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
