Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
