vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
