i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
