and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Randomize
