I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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