TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
