I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
