my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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