If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
