im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
