do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
