i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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