the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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