So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
