But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm like, not good at living.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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