And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize