im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
