phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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