he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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