ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
